The Winter Olympics are in full swing in Vancouver, and most of the continent is covered with snow. Not in Vancouver.  Here, we, or at least me, are griping about global warming and the damage aerosol deodorants have done to the ozone layer. More particularly, I’m griping about the fact that I can no longer go to Vancouver’s only clothing optional beach to crisp-up my nether regions.

 Here’s my gripe


When the sun comes out in early June, I begin my reminiscing,

About all the beach-time fun I’ve had, and all the fun I’m missing.

Wreck beach was the place for me, we all went there in legions,

“Clothing Optional,” said the sign – We fried our nether regions.


We didn’t mind that money changed hands for pot, and patties and beer,

We just shed our clothing, bared our loins, and lingered on a log to leer,

As the nubile merchant walked the sand with her tray of goods so fine,

And marvelled at her body, devoid of tanning lines.


But remembering those olden times is all we can do these days,

Aerosols from deodorants gave us a bright ozone-free haze.

Once the Ozone Layer filtered Ultra Violet light.

Now U-V light comes crashing through, giving carcinogenic blight.


There is some hope for heliotropes and their days spent by the ocean,

There’s aloe, PABA, and more sun screen in bottled suntan lotion.

Just spread it on whilst at the beach – protect yourself – skin to the bone,

Our summers are resurrected, all thanks to Coppertone.


And when it’s time to hit the waves, to look so cool and aloof,

The sun screen’s still protecting us. The lotion’s waterproof.

So carry on your sweating, and do the things you must,

Those U-V rays cannot penetrate the lotion’s protective crust.


The reason I cannot partake of summer’s sweet pass-time,

Concerns the lotion’s application – I never know what time,

To apply that milky liquid that’s dripping in my palm,

And rub it on and smell the smell of coconutty balm.


Tanning is a social event. You need help to rub it on.

Preparing for sun is quite unlike a privy or a john.

On your shoulders, On your back – It causes me to think,

When, exactly, do I apply, the lotion to my . . .body?

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He also does some work as a field Archaeologist. He is also a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine, and the proprietor of The Résumé Doctor in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at or at

If you’re looking for a change, start with a resume makeover at competitive rates

When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia


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