AEROBIC WRASSLIN


I’ve always enjoyed professional wrestling (or as the wrestlers themselves say, “WRASSLIN’, “) but don’t even ask. I know it’s not real. I’ve thought about it, and concluded that if they applied a pile driver, an eye gouge, or a head stomp seriously, it would cause serious tissue damage or worse. Wrasslers use their skill in the art of magic to create the illusion of the carnage they inflict with their violent antics. I like the theatrical nature of the sport. I like seeing the bad guys whipping the good guys. The threats and gestures remind me of the days I needed to contend with the schoolyard bullies. So what if it’s not serious. Neither are soap operas.

By contrast, boxing is serious – unless it’s incorporated into a fitness class. Boxer-fit, Boxer-cise, Tae-Bo and Kick Boxing classes are popping up all over the place. The class formats vary. They may be circuit training, throwing punches, shadow boxing, running on the spot, skipping, or all of the above. They usually result in a good workout for the arms and upper body. They’re also fun to teach because nobody gets hurt. None of the moves have any intent to kill.

This week was difficult for me because I started to consider the money I earn each year. To be more specific, I started to consider the money I don’t make each year because I don’t have a gimmick. Shove over Billy Blank of Tae-Bo fame. Introducing,

“AEROBIC WRASSLIN’ ”

 I envision huge popularity for this new fitness craze. Aerobic wrasslin’ provides a forum for the most neurotic introverts to get out and taunt and intimidate just like a professional wrassler. Everyone will get many opportunities to pose and flex, and I’ll finally get the opportunity for some hands-on work with some of my participants.

My aerobic wrasslin’ classes will have circuit stations. They will include standing holds, holds on the ground, and submission holds. Submission holds give the wrassler a chance to fake a near-death experience only to make a miraculous camelback and set the opponent up for a submission hold. It will give participants the opportunity to explore their dominant and submissive sides.

The best part of the class will be the ring installed in the middle of the gym. It will have ropes and turnbuckles just like a real wrasslin’ arena. Participants use the ring to practice dragging each others faces over the ropes, and to smash each other’s faces into the turnbuckles. They will practice doing swan dives off the top turnbuckle – demonstrations of agility and athletic ability. Most important, they will ricochet off the ropes in a maneuver called a criss-cross. This will raise the heart rate.

As you see, I have the class all worked out. I envision participants across the word saving their coins to pay the drop-in fee. I’m ready too. I’ve been practicing my voice. I sound just like Governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura. All I need is a big contract with the World Wrestling Federation to make that promotional video. Come on McMann – Let’s Get the Money.

 

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He also does some work as a field Archaeologist. He is also a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine, and the proprietor of The Réésuméé Doctor in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca.

If you’

re looking for a change, start with a resume makeover at competitive rates

When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia

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One Response to “AEROBIC WRASSLIN”

  1. Wanda Argersinger Says:

    Yikes! Aerobic wrasslin. It might just catch on. Sorry I won’t be attending the class. Wrasslin scares me. I could never wear one of those ugly masks and I fear I would break a nail or mess up my hair. Good luck. I ‘ll be happy to promote it for you.

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