I suspect it starts this way. Touring the gym, a fitness facility owner eyes all the hi-tech equipment to discover which pieces to use to construct a fitness class. Desire to provide participants with unique and exciting classes becomes fueled by money.

The formula is simple. The more inspired the class, the more that club becomes the centre of attention. The greater the attention, the greater the number of members. More members will pay to attend those new classes. Suddenly the gym becomes featured on local television newscasts. Once one gym has it, other gyms will want it. Suddenly, the owner is in a position to charge big money for workshops, and has to spend big dollars to hire patent and copyright lawyers to protect the innovation.

Suddenly, the owner has to jack up the membership fees. Symbiotic relationships like these tend to bind us together as a cohesive society and make our civilization great.

This is what I thought as I watched a young woman working out on a computerized rowing machine. Actually, I’d just taught a class, and I found the gust of air coming off the flywheel cooling.

“What the bleep are you staring at, you bleeping pervert?” the young woman asked while grinding her teeth and showing off superbe muscle definition in her chest and arms.

“I was just thinking what class full of these machines would be like,” I said while turning to experience the benefit of the air gust.

“Get away from me. You’re a horny bastard,” she said while calling her husband.

Introducing: The Crew Class. A class guaranteed to firm up the the arm, back, and chest muscles while giving you a great cardio workout. This is the pamphlet I designed while recovering in my hospital bed. I envisioned the whole class – the warm-up, the cardio, strength and conditioning, (The Galley Class), and the cool down.

The Warm-up.


The warm-up mimics the warm-up one experiences when getting into a row boat on a wharf. These might include experiences such as: stabilizing the craft while you, or others are getting in; leaving the boat several times because you forgot a towel, water, lunch, steroids, etc. The class also has to rescue the instructor who has just fallen in.

The music for the Warm-up would be, “Sweet Haven – We Love You” from the soundtrack of Popeye. Aerobic exercise, like sex, is 10% perspiration and 90% imagination. The Crew Class offers an excellent opportunity for interval training. On the machine, one can accomplish intensity variation

by continuously adjusting the tension. The instructor needs to provide reasons for these changes by appealing to the rowers’ imaginations. Therefore, include being tangled in seaweed, chased by killer whales, and, of course, having the hull bumped by sharks. For added thrills, call a giant squid or a sea serpent into existence under the keel.

Mix the music carefully. Use “Barnacle Bill the Sailor” for the rest periods, and the theme from the movie Jaws for the intense segments.

Strength and Conditioning – The Galley Cass


For this segment, the instructor gets to use toys such as whips and ankle cuffs. It will appeal to people who like boot camp classes. (This means it will appeal to men). It also gives the instructor a chance to explore his or her dominant side. Simply walk amongst the participants generously administering lashes with a whip. All those cringes will provide the participants with an excellent abdominal workout.

For music, dig up that dusty copy of Cindi Lauper singing “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” or anything by Madonna.

The Cool Down

End the class with the usual collection of stretches, but also incorporate some knot tying exercises.

Have them tie sheep shanks, reef knots, bowlines, and sheet bends. Leave the class quickly before they learn to tie the hangman’s noose. Let them drift.

Use “Runaway” by Del Shannon.

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at or at If you’’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates

When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia.


The Cardio



  1. Sharon Says:

    Gosh, I think I’m glad I live too far away to take your crew class. 🙂

  2. MarkRiddle Says:

    fantastic tumblr web receive – Masochism

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