DON’T BUY CONDOMS AT THE DOLLAR STORE


There are two things you should never buy from the Dollar Store if getting a good night’s sleep is important to you: condoms and batteries. The condoms are guaranteed to leak and the batteries will run out well before the nonexistent expiry date.

 I now have five grand kids running around the house at all hours of the night complaining that their minicomputers don’t work because the batteries they took from all the smoke detectors don’t work.

 Years ago I had a job as a streetworker in one of the cities in Metro Vancouver. No – not that kind of streetworker. I was the kind of streetworker who got paid for hanging out with and providing programs for at risk youth. The Mounties (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) used to really like my programs because of what I used to call my programs.

 For example, one of my female partners and I did a good cop-bad cop routine we used to close a drop-in centre that was run bu a paedophile. We called that, “Operation Nut Stomper and Buttercup. That one worked out well.

 “Operation Hose Clamp” came into existence when I received a case of condoms donated by a local Dollar Store. They came in a box labelled, “King Kong Condoms.”  I took one home and tried it on. I hope that King Kong on the package perched on the Empire State Building has solved his erectile dysfunction problem. They weren’t very big.

 At that time, that particular city experienced a building boom where a number of houses were abandoned and waiting for demolition and reconstruction. Street kids would locate the abandoned houses and move in. Then, the community determined, they would have unbridled sex. “Let’s get Mike on the job,” the community would say. “He can turn the randiest little ankle snapper off.”

 Operation Hose Clamp involved going into the houses at 4:00 in the morning with a flashlight, a banana and a box of King Kongs.

 I would stumble through the house avoiding nails, loose floorboards, and follow the sound of snoring to lead me to the correct sleeping room(s). Once found, I would introduce my self and tell them that I, and the rest of the community, were concerned about unwanted pregnancies and also the spread of sexually transmitted disease. Then I would show them the correct way to put a condom on a banana.

 Probably the only reason the didn’t retaliate and beat me to within an inch of my life was the fact that I was, if I do say so myself, so damned entertaining. I would let off zingers such as:

 “Condoms are made out of latex, which, in turn comes from trees. Some paint is also made of latex. I don’t want to hear of any of you getting AIDS or pregnant because you used a brush to reach those hard-to-reach places.”

 Or; 

“Science tells us that it is virtually impossible to get an STD or pregnant if you have a condom affixed to a banana on your bedside table.”

 I suspect that it will only be a matter of time before I catch my step son coming out of the Dollar Store. “Are you working on grandkid number 6?” I’ll ask.

 Next time, “Never buy batteries at the Dollar Store.”

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a  fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net   or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca.

If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates

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2 Responses to “DON’T BUY CONDOMS AT THE DOLLAR STORE”

  1. energywriter Says:

    Funny, Mike. With jokes like that you must have been a very effective street worker. giggle. Anyway, great story.

  2. Ener Hax Says:

    lol on your inference to your size! =p

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