DRIVING BY ESP IS STUPID


I must be getting old. For the first time in my life I feel glad that our January snowfall finally left us. There was a time when I mourned the loss of the snow for months (and sometimes years.) Not this time.

 I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Mike, you old reprobate, you’re going to whine, aren’t you? You’re going to gripe about frost bitten feet, frigid fingers, and having to do a little shovelling, aren’t you? When are you going to retire, you wimp? Then we won’t have to read about your incessant whimpering.”

 Actually, that’s not true. I like the cold. I missed teaching aerobics during the Christmas shutdown. The resulting lull allowed me to grow a comfortable layer of fat around my midriff. It keeps me as warm as a down sleeping bag.

 I wanted to whine about something different. I wanted to bitch about how stupid some drivers get when there’s snow on the ground.

  I’m not writing about drivers who lose their traction and turn a leisurely trip through the Burger King drive-through into a chase scene from Nash Bridges. They simply don’t know how to drive in the snow. Nobody knows how to drive in the snow in these parts. The salt chuck mixed with the warm ground makes it slippier than the stuff we see elsewhere.

 I’m writing about drivers who rely solely on their omnipotent powers of ESP to navigate through traffic. You know who you are, so smarten up.

 Years of research allow me to conclude there are two types of ESP drivers. First, there is the Star Trekker. This driver has the windows clear, but leaves mounds of snow the size of boxcars on the hood, the trunk, and the roof. These vehicles resemble comets as they bullet down the road, leaving a tail of flying ice crystals. Inside, the driver asks Mr. Sulu to set a new course.  He may as well. He can’t see over the mountain on top on the hood without making daily visits to the chiropractor to realign his neck.

 Following a Trekker too closely is treacherous. The comet’s tail contains many airborne particles ranging in size from small ice crystals to huge globs of snow. The mixture of flotsam collides with your wind shield so you can’t see either. Put the shields up, Mr. Spock.

 Another problem with the star trekker is stopping for pedestrians at cross walks – provided his powers of ESP permit pedestrian detection. The brakes work better than ever, but the resulting difference in angular momentum causes the entire glacier to launch itself off the hood like a patriot missile towards the pitiable pedestrian.

 The snow from the roof lands on the wind shield. The Star Trekker tries to clear it with the wipers, but breaks the blades off on the first pass. Come on Trekkie. Use a broom to push that snow off.

 The second type of ESP motorist is the mole. Moles steadfastly refuse to scrape the frost off their windows. They wait for the defroster to do it for them. The problem is they never wait long enough. Moles are on the move as soon as a foggy patch appears on the window. The patch gives the mole a panoramic view of the red and blue flashing lights from the patrol car behind them. Driving with iced windows is not only stupid, it’s an offence.

 Come on, moles, scrape your windows.  That’s what credit cards are for.

 Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a  fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net   or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca.

If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates

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2 Responses to “DRIVING BY ESP IS STUPID”

  1. Sharon Says:

    Hooray Mike! You’ve stated so succinctly one of my annual gripes. We don’t get much snow here, but the natives run the engine until the interior temperature is equal to that in their overheated houses and the windows defrost by default — then they venture out and drive too fast on slippery roads.

  2. Lupe Weltch Says:

    Love your site man keep up the good work

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