YOU CAN PUT THAT ON YOUR RÉSUMÉ


Recently, I had to do a workshop on making resumes and cover letters to a room filled with underemployed fishermen. The workshop was to be two hours long, and I had fifteen minutes of material. You can only go over the words ‘objective,’ ‘education,’ and ‘experience’ so often before people think you don’t know what you’re talking about. There are two classes of unemployed people you don’t want to short-change on a resume workshop – fishermen and bikers.

 Worse, I only budgeted fifteen minutes for research.

 Times like these make me feel glad I’m living in the year 2010 where the answers to complex problems are a mere mouse-click away. I logged onto a search engine and typed in the word ‘resume.’ This, I thought, was an innocuous word to begin a search, and I expected to get the usual twenty-seven million responses to sift through to get the appropriate material. I also expected the sifting time would take up most of the fifteen minutes I allotted for the purpose.

 I didn’t expect that the first two results of the search would lead me to two web sites devoted to lengthening and thickening the penis. The first site, called the ‘Penis Enlargement Information Centre’ claimed to be the only one operated by a doctor.  It didn’t specify what type of doctor he is, but he provides before and after snapshots of the alleged sawbones’ member. (I thought it was an award-winning photograph of the Ogopogo – trh famous Okanagan Lake sea serpent. Like photographs of the Ogopogo, any allusions to size could be written off as tricks of lighting.)

The second site, written in the same type of oversized script, was entitled ‘Advanced Penis Enlargement Techniques Revealed. It promised to transform the most mild-mannered member into a ‘rock-hard’ gargantuan serpent approaching eighteen inches in length.

 For me an appendage of this proportion would mean retirement from being an aerobics instructor. I simply couldn’t navigate through an aerobics class with an appendage of these proportions. Worse, aerobic arousal would mean wearing out all my aerobic attire. My house would become a graveyard of tattered and torn spandex fabric.

 The fishermen certainly enjoyed the workshop. They’re all sharing a Polaroid camera and a scanner. They’ve all taken pictures of their private parts, scanned them, and printed them onto their resumes. In this age of competition for employment, it’s reassuring to see that some remain willing to undress for success.

 Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca. If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia.

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10 Responses to “YOU CAN PUT THAT ON YOUR RÉSUMÉ”

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  3. Sharon Says:

    Hilarious! Isn’t it strange how those ads keep popping up? I get Viagra ads as comments to my blog. Are they telling me I need to stop writing and find a guy to make me complete?

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  5. Resume Says:

    This is a good post. I provide resume templates but often people use them verbadum and do not put their own voice on their resume. Its important to let your true personality shine through. If its boring you might as well not turn it in.

  6. frostwire download Says:

    one can argue that it can go both ways

  7. Linda Pistilli Says:

    great stuff. Do you have an RSS feed? And also will it be cool if I put in your feed to a blog of mine? I have a blog which draws content by RSS feeds via a few websites and I would like to add yours, a lot of people really don’t mind since I link back and everything but I like to get consent first. Anyhow let me know if you can, thanks.

    • mikebroderick Says:

      Hi Linda, I probably could if I could get it explained to me. As Will Rogers woould have said, Some like to read about it, some like to have it shown to them, and some like to piss on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

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