SHAVING MY TAIL II


Part of my Saturday fare includes listening to a CBC radio program called Quirks and Quarks – a weekly science program. Some items include those of my own former discipline – anthropology. Once a  regular listener sent in a question about evolution. Citing the Time-Life diagrams that show our stages of evolution from Australopithecus to Homo sapiens, the listener asked the program to look into the future to predict what we might look like.

The host of the program asked an anthropologist to speculate.  He said that space travel in zero gravity would cause our limbs to atrophy and become vestigial. Our bodies would be like whale or dolphin bodies. He predicted no increase in brain size. A larger brain would be too expensive biologically, and give problems during birth.

 Expect this type of answer from an anthropologist. The program should have asked an anthropologist who is also a fitness instructor. They should have asked me.

 As a long time fitness instructor, and a long time observer of the human condition, I have seen individuals transform into leaner and meaner versions of their former selves.  I also witnessed mating behavior that among these lean and mean participants and instructors.  A stronger body is a sexier body, and through the dating procedures, participants and instructors take occasional dips in each other’s gene pools. As classes become larger, the gene pools become Olympic sized, making room for natural selection – a prerequisite for evolution.

 From careful observation and direct experience, I proclaim myself an expert on speculating our future phenotypic appearance. Here then, are my predictions.

 1.  Brain Size.

The consulted anthropologist was right predicting no change in brain size. Instead, fitness will reallocate brain regions for different purposes.  We will exaggerate the regions responsible for endorphins the expense of the regions used for feeding. Humans will be prone to fitness addiction. Expect enhancement of the regions dedicated to muscular coordination as repetitive patterns of fitness classes become permanently encoded in muscle memory. The offshoots of this will be occasional bouts of jumping jacks during intimate moments.

 2. Physical Appearance.

I predict that muscles of the arms will not atrophy. Instead, we will exaggerate them. In fact, both men and women will strike periodic poses to show their muscular definition as a sexual display. Women, rather than enhancing their breasts with implants will develop their upper back muscles. Unfortunately, all the crunches and sit-ups will cause us thrust our heads forward and back with each step as we walk. As a species, we will walk like pigeons.

 3. Hair.

Hair will disappear. Already males and females shave their noggins in anticipation of the gene for pattern baldness to cross over to the ‘x’ chromosome. It’s only a matter of time. To speed things along, hunks like me are selected for their natural baldness. Who, after all, wants to feel a stubbly pate all night? The exception, of course, is facial hair. Our species will sport fine and luxuriant moustaches and beards – especially women because of the natural and unnatural steroid and hormone residues trapped in their DNA.

 4. Sense of Smell.

The future will see a diminishing sense of smell among us. Cologne has much to do with this. It’s becoming less and less important. Nowadays instead of floral or fruity fragrances, We have Eau de Wrestler.  With everyone smelling like Hulk Hogan or Governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura, smell will die as a survival mechanism.

 Tails.

Tails are a pain in the butt. I had a client whose disability was owning a tail. While she never showed it to me, she found it got in her way at work. She was an administrative assist it, and, let’s face facts. There are no chairs fitted for a tail. Nor is there clothing, cor that matter. What if the tail was hairy and you wanted to shave it. That would give a whole new meaning to the barber shop.

 Evolution occurs as genetic response to the environment. The social and physical environments of our future will be the gym. Who wants to go outside in the unfiltered sunlight when everything happens in the gym?

 Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca. or at 604-464-4195.  If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia.

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6 Responses to “SHAVING MY TAIL II”

  1. Rose A. Valenta Says:

    I’m glad you cleared that up! I’d hate to think our furture generations would be reduced to slugs.

    Rose

    • mikebroderick Says:

      I think it was in the Voyage of the Beagle where Charles Darwin described a mating between a couple of slugs. As I recal it was quite erotic in a slimy sort of way.

  2. Sharon Says:

    Hilarious!! Hunky bodies, bald heads, hairy otherwise, tails and prone to jumping jacks at intimate moments. What a sight we’ll be.

  3. Lisa Smith Molinari Says:

    This whole topic makes me want to go find my tweezers!

  4. Redneck Mommy Says:

    Is it wrong that I totally want a tail? I mean, granted sitting would be a pain in the arse. But still…The only thing of interest on me is my freakishly hairy underarms, monkey-like toes and pancake boobs. On second thought, it’s probably best I don’t have a tail. Sigh.

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