WRITING SUCKY COVER LETTERS


One of the most frequent employment questions I’m asked is.  “Should I send a cover letter with that resume?”

“Only if you want the job,” I say. Then I get the other question. “How do you write a cover letter?”

Generally speaking, a cover letter only serves one purpose – to ask for an interview, but you can’t ask for it in the first paragraph. You need to “suck up” a little bit. You need to ease yourself into the reader’s life. You need to tell them why you’re writing without showing your hand right off the bat. Suppose I were applying for a job. I would write:

Dear sir or Madam:

In response to your recent advertisement where you require A Royal Pain in the Ass, I submit my resume. I would like to be considered a qualified applicant for the position.

The second paragraph refers to that tome you attached. Open up your resume, and find all the things that set you apart from all the other pains in the ass.

You will note that I have several years experience as a royal pain in the ass in a number of positions. In my thirteen years as an employment specialist, I have ruthlessly pestered poor defenceless employers. I told them how what’s his name and so-and-so would make an excellent employee and add new dimensions their company culture and be a loyal and productive employee. Further, I would use the idea wage subsidies to seal the deal. Worse, I would meet with boards of trade members to tell them little success stories. That way they would come to me if they needed employees – just to shut me up.

Then you build it up a bit more by flashing the bottom line.

If I were to describe myself, I would say that I am a perpetual pain in the ass with excellent communication, problem solving and supervisory skills. I possess a hands- on and mentoring leadership style. Further over the years of being a pain in the ass, I have consistently met quotas for placing clients into positions that matched their goals.

Now it’s time to show your hand. This is where you really suck up.

I trust that you will find my credentials in order. It would be my pleasure to meet with you in an interview to discuss your needs in relation to my qualifications and experience. That way I could prove that I would be an excellent royal pain in the ass for your company.

Now it’s time to get ready to wave goodbye, but hot before you leave your contact information. I know you have all the contact information you need on your letterhead, but that’s not enough. You need to make it easy for them.

If you have any questions, or should you wish to schedule an interview, please feel free to contact me at 604-464-4195 or by email at Michael_broderick@telus.net.

Now it’s time to wave goodbye

I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Sincerely

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca. or at 604-464-4195.  If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates. When he is not doing all this he lives in Port Coquitlam with his partner Cecelia.

 

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3 Responses to “WRITING SUCKY COVER LETTERS”

  1. WRITING SUCKY COVER LETTERS « SpinDoctorResumes Says:

    […] See more here: WRITING SUCKY COVER LETTERS « SpinDoctorResumes […]

  2. Sharon Says:

    Great letter, Mike. If I’m ever in the market for a Royal Pain in the Ass, I’ll give you a call.

  3. awa Says:

    This is so funny, am cracking with laughter now.

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