THE POWER BAR: FRIGHTENING FITNESS FOOD


I was cruising around my hard drive earlier today and I found another letter I wrote to Bill Richardson – the venerable CBC Radio Host who had a show called Crosswords years ago. There, you could write in a letter and he would send a pocket protector. I believe I published that on this blog under the title The Thrill of Spandex. I promised to use the pocket protector down the front of my Spandex Shorts as a place to store my tapes.

This one warns us to be careful what we eat.

Bill Richardson
c/o Crosswords
P.O. Box 4600
Vancouver, B.C.
V6B 4A2

Dear Bill,

Thank you for reading my letter on Crosswords last year. With your help, Canadians coast to coast heard of my unsolicited arousal while teaching an aerobics in Spandex shorts.

The expansion under my Spandex shorts, however, didn’t compared to the inflation in my classes. While participants included both fitness addicts and sight seers, everyone experienced all the fitness I could generate. You and Crosswords can take credit for the new interest in fitness and health. It pays to advertise.

As for the business of my out-of-body sexual enthusiasm, I find that a well placed pocket protector provides adequate protection. It prevents ink stains, and acts as a mute keeping my bells from ringing. It keeps the matter under wraps. Participants can enjoy working out in a pleasant and harassment free environment.

Except one time.

My friend Leeanne is also an instructor. I often substitute for her as she leaves town on business. One class requires a key to open the gym. I pick up the key, teach the class, then return the key later. Once, when I dropped the key off, she said, “Here. … Try one of these.”

She handed me a chocolate bar in a gold wrapping called a POWER BAR. Try eating it about twenty minutes before your next class. As it happened, my next step class was 4:30 that afternoon. I told her I would try it.

“Eat it with water,” she said. “Eat it with lots of water.

At 4:20, en route to the engagement, I hungrily wolfed the morsel down without a drop. I began the class. It progressed without incident to the thirty five minute mark where I introduce a series of maneuvers I call, “The Earthquake.”

The Earthquake contains some complex patterns that could cause one to loose track of the difference between right and left. To avoid confusion, I turn my back to the class.

Then the POWER BAR kicked in. I felt like Popeye after emptying a can of spinach. Muscles bulged throughout my body. I flexed my arm. Under the muscle, I could see the Battleship Missouri firing shells the size of Volkswagens at targets twenty miles away.

John Philip Sousa marches rang in my ears drowning out the tunes on the sound system. I cranked up the volume. Unfortunately, my hand brushed the pitch control as well, resulting in a speed increase. My participants seemed to have begun new careers as extras in a Keystone Cops movie.

In the mirror, I could see skin peeling from my face. My ears migrated to the back of my head and began to clap together to the beat. When my eyes moved to the back of my head, I could see half the class laughing at me. The other half were too busy fleeing the gym in terror to see the humour.

After the class, I resolved not to experiment with foods before teaching. My participants told me that I made them nervous, and several had embarrassing facial tics from laughing so hard. From now on, I will eat only boring traditional foods before teaching.

Sincerely,

Mike Broderick

P.S. Please play Got To Get My Moose, Boys by Buddy What’s His Name and the Other Fellers

Mike Broderick is an Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he finds employment for people with physical disabilities. Part of this work means affiliation with the Vancouver Board of Trade where he is a member of the Ambassador Club, the Burnaby Board of Trade where he is a member of the Labour Task Force, the Tri Cities Chamber of Commerce where he is an active member of the 10X10 initiative, and the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce. He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at michaelb@neilsquire.ca.
If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates

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One Response to “THE POWER BAR: FRIGHTENING FITNESS FOOD”

  1. Sharon Says:

    So funny, Mike. I can just see that class. How can one aerobics instructor get into so much trouble? giggle

    The video reminded me of “Second Week of Deer Camp” by Da Yupers (what people from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula are called) where one of the guys sees “a t’irty point buck.” I didn’t buy a cd when I had the chance and now regret it.

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