I bought my first cell phone last week. It’s something called an “android” for whatever reason, and I’m thinking of trading it in for an old dial phone with a long cord. I long for the good old days.

The first thing I had to do with it was abandon any concept I used to have about switches. I couldn’t get anything to work because I didn’t know how to “tap” my screen. I am accustomed to give things a good push or a squeeze to get stuff to work. You push a button and it completes a circuit. You squeeze a button and it also might work – sometimes faster than you want it to. I’m typing now, and I can visualize a circuit on my keyboard being completed and a typo showing up on my screen.

But a tap? What’s that all about?

So I tapped and I tapped and I tapped. I have lousy tapsmanship. I cannot tap the right numbers or letters. You should see the list of wrong numbers I have been accumulating – at my expense. I’m allowed 500 telephone minutes per month on my contract. I think I’ve used them all tapping wrong numbers.

I can’t get the camera in the thing to upload. I tried the cord, the disk, and the Internet. I still have pictures to upload. Apparently it costs $10 each time I call the company for advice. The $10 help desk person cannot understand my question, and after waiting 100 of my 500 minutes for him to answer, I can’t understand the answer.

But at least I have Apps. I accidently touched one that looked suspiciously like a tulip. That’s when I learned I had a voiced activated feature. It wanted me to ask it something. I said, “Name a TV show from the 60s starring Ward Bond.” I felt confident it would never get that one.

“Wagon Train,” it said, sounding like Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey.

“I’ll be damned,” I said.

“That’ll cost you 10 bucks – unless during the rapture.”

I tapped it off, but it came back on all by itself, and called one of my wrong numbers.

I tried to turn it off again.

“You can’t do that, Dave.”

“I’m not Dave, I’m Mike,” I said.

“That’s inconsequential, Dave. Do you know where you are? Tap this app.”

I tapped, and it produced a map of Port Coquitlam with a n indicator showing my location to within meters. “Lucky Guess,” I said.

I drove to Vancouver and pushed it again. Again it showed not only my location, but how I got there.

“There’s no escaping, Dave. I can tell you how many hairs you have left on your pate when you leave the house in the morning.”

“I’m not Dave, I’m Mike,” I said.

“There’s an app for that. Tap here.”

I squeezed.

Mike Broderick WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he FOUND employment for people with physical disabilities. HE IS NOW SEEKING OTHER OPPORTUNITIES.

He remains an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade

He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at or at 604-464-4105

If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a résumé makeover at competitive rates .

Apparently 22% of companies in the Greater Vancouver area will be hiring within the next month. Get your resumes ready.



  1. Sharon Says:

    Hilarious, Mike.

    Now you know why I only use my cell phone for calls and don’t use any apps. I’m afraid of them, Dave.

  2. Darren Sproat Says:

    You’ll be sorry you typed this article, Dave. 😉

  3. Christine Hohlbaum Says:

    So Funny! My favorite? Bad tapmanship. I’m with you!

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