Every so often, either to get a job or to keep a job, I find I need to take a criminal record check (CRC) In Canada, it is done by the RCMP or by one of the contracted local police department – depending on where you live.

I have to take mine to the Mounties, and I recently learned where the adage comes from that. “The Mounties always get their man.”

They cheat.

A criminal record check costs $70.00. What I had expected was to pay the $70.00, and a form would be produced that would record every crime I had been convicted. I wouldn’t expect to see any juvenile record there, as they are supposed to be destroyed.

All I want, and all I pay for, is a list of the crimes I committed, and that I was found guilty f that crime either by a judge or judge and jury. That would be fair. If I did the crime, and did the time, I expect it to be an accurate accounting of my criminal life.

For the record, my criminal life hasn’t been as prolific as others. I expect to see nothing on it because I haven’t had the occasion to visit a judge – except the time I was selected for jury duty.

These days, however, they have added some value to your criminal record check. Normally there are two boxed on the form that are ticked and signed my the Mounties: one that says you didn’t come up, and the other that says there is a criminal record, and there are some notes saying what that record is. That way, and employer can decide whether to keep you or not.

Nowadays, there is a third box that states that the above named did have contact with the police, and there may be a charge but there is no outcome.

Suppose you got a ticket for having a missing tail light. Theoretically, that could be the incident under question, and it could raise an employer’s eyebrow leading to an unfair dismissal.

I asked the Mountie behind the desk about this.

He told me that they did it as an extra service for no charge.

“Well take it off,” I said. “My boss doesn’t need to know – by the way, … What is this ticked off for?”

“I can’t take it off,” the Mountie said. “And I can’t tell from this what you were doing or where you were, but I can tell by looking at you that it must have been something despicable.”

“Well what am I going to tell the boss when I hand it in?” I said.

“You should have thought of that when you did whatever it was that put your name in the system.”

“Thought of what,” I said. “You can’t even tell me what it was, so how should I know?”

“Sorry, that’s not my problem. It’s a free service we offer to employers.”

“But it’s not offering anything.” I said. “All I want is the CRC – not some subjective piece of nonsense that anyone with a yellow stripe down their pant leg, red serge and a Stetson can tick just to piss me off and to keep be from getting a job.”
“”You should have thought of that before you did whatever you did?” he said.
“And what was that? Was I thinking about doing something?”

“That would trigger it. We can read minds, you know.”

I hope I am the first one to not become hired because thinking about doing a crime showed up on my CRC. I would like to see this god damned mind reading Nancy Drew being cross examined.

Lawyer: Could you answer my question.

Witness: You haven’t asked it yet

Lawyer: I shouldn’t need to. You told us you can read minds

Mike Broderick WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he FOUND employment for people with physical disabilities. HE IS NOW SEEKING OTHER OPPORTUNITIES.
He remains an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist and is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to alive magazine in Port Coquitlam. You can reach him at home at or at 604-464-4105.
If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a résumé makeover at competitive rates .
Apparently 22% of companies in the Greater Vancouver area will be hiring within the next month. Get your résumés ready.



  1. Sharon Says:

    Aaaaarrrgh! So glad you could turn this mess into a funny post. Keep up the good work. You had a couple mispelled words. Did I just spell that wrong?

  2. Andrew Says:

    There are more issues with the third box. Custody and family law issues are beginning to pop up in these checks as well as juvenile interactions. So if you have been having issues in a family law setting, your new employer could easily find out about it. Or if you were not a great kid, it can show up. A lot of that information is at the discretion of the the officer filling the request and there are no guide lines. This has been a big issue for a lot of mother’s looking for work and I’m glad to see other’s noticing the problems.

    • mikebroderick Says:

      Thanks for the comment. At some point, someone is going to need to take them to task. My hunch is that it is a discriminatory action that treads a firn wire between defamation and Human Rights.

      I’m glad you read my blog. My philosophy is that if I make it funny, it might point towards a flaw in the system that might be fixable.


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