I MAY HAVE TO RETIRE!


I may have to retire from teaching fitness soon. It’s not from old age, although that might be as good a reason as any at age 63. How many 63 year olds do you know who do jumping jacks to make up a portion of their incomes.

It’s also not for lack of energy. I still thrive on being the centre of attention – and that’s the reason I started doing it in the first place. People still pay money to see my shows – and I do consider my classes to be show business. Just like my motto: “If you can’t be fit, you can at least me funny.”

It’s the clothing. Fitness clothing is more or less like my endorphins. They’re never around when you need them.

I wear muscle shirts to teach. The first reason is to show off my magnificent body to all the women in the front row. The second reason is that fitness is hot. Wearing a T-shirt while doing some of my moves would lead to heat stroke.

Yester day I examined my collection of muscle shirts. The one I wore today was OK but it was starting to become a little threadbare. In a few weeks, I’ll be able to spit peas through them.

I made a mad muscle shirt run to the Army and Navy department store. It was only September 29th, and already they had their winter stock out. Their muscle shirts were replaced with down vests. I’m willing to bet that if I instructed a class in a down vest, I’d make the gym smell like a chicken farm.

Maybe I’ll have better luck at Wal-Mart

Shorts are another problem. I like to wear Spandex shorts to teach. I like them because they wick away the moisture (from exercise – I don’t need Depends yet). They conform, more-or-less, to my skin and participants can copy my posture, and they keep my bells from ringing.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Mike, you’re an idiot. You live in the greater Vancouver area. That’s where Lululemon started. Why can’t you just wear Yoga pants?”

“They’re too hot,” I say I did make a deal with another Vancouver fitness apparel factory to make me some. It cost me $199, but I got 13 pairs – which my daughter took.

Unfortunately, there aren’t enough guys in fitness to warrant jigging up their equipment.

I also tried bicycle shorts, but bicycles have hard seats, and the shorts accommodate hard seats on hard bums by padding the area.

I tried them once, but they kept reminding me of an old joke. These two dudes went to the beach to impress some women. One passed the other a potato. “Here, he said. “Put this down the front of your pants. It’ll make you look hot.”

Soon there was a commotion on the beach as a group of women were running away from him.

“I said put it down the FRONT of your bathing suit.”

Mike Broderick , a one- time archaeologist, is a Vocational Rehabilitation Counsellor with the Fraser Health Authority in Port Coquitlam where he helps people with mental health disabilities find and keep full or part time employment.
He WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he found employment for people with physical disabilities, A Supported Employment Coordinator at THEO BC (now the Open Door Group), and a case manager at Community Fisheries Development Centre where he helped people move from the fishing industry to something else because there “aint no fish.” This means he is VERY familiar with how a modern day resume should look like.

He is an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist, is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to Alive Magazine. He is always saying, “If you can’t be fit, you can at least be funny.”

He lives in Port Coquitlam with his spouse Cecelia. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at 604-464-4105 If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates.

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3 Responses to “I MAY HAVE TO RETIRE!”

  1. energywriter Says:

    So funny, Mike. Go to Wal-Mart and buy those sleeveless undershirts. Decorate them with fabric paint. Just be careful what you paint and where.

  2. mikebroderick Says:

    Maybe I’ll paint on some abdominal dents!

  3. Amedar Says:

    Amedar Consulting Group…

    hi!,I like your writing so much! share we keep up a correspondence extra approximately your article on AOL? I need a specialist on this house to unravel my problem. Maybe that is you! Looking forward to see you….

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