CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR FITNESS INSTRUCTORS


Owing to all the news items about Black Friday over the past few weeks, I suppose everyone has finished their Christmas shopping. For those stuck in 1986, you may not have heard that Black Friday is the Friday of the American Thanksgiving weekend devoted to runaway rabid consumerism featuring all night lineups shoppers still munching on turkey bones from the previous nights feast.

You may also be considering shopping for the real significant other in your life – your fitness instructor. You may want to treat him or her to something nice for all the goals you reached and the strength you gained. Conversely, you may wish to offer revenge for all the pain you experienced.

As an older fitness instructor with several years of tenure, I am familiar with instructors’ needs. The situations in which my fellow instructors can find themselves while struggling to impart all that fitness knowledge can be daunting. They experience trouble with relationships, trouble communicating, and just plain trouble. This experience qualifies me as an expert.

Because of my research, I present four hot items that are just begging to end up under instructor’s Christmas trees this year. Keep an eye out for them. There is still a pay day before Christmas.

1) The Automatic Shoe Dryer.

Everyone knows that the most common cause of irritation between the instructors and their classes is that squishing sound from those hi tech sneakers. This comes from sweating. Sweat collects between the sole of the foot and the innersole of the shoe. The affliction makes it impossible to sneak up on participants to correct their form.

Automatic Shoe Dryers are methyl hydrate internal combustion engines that attach to the heels like spurs. Hot fumes from the engines, directed by vents to the shoe, dry the area. Presto – Aerobic harmony. Be careful with those hamstring curls, though. You don’t want to scorch your butt with those hot engine manifolds.

2) The Headless Remote Microphone.

This remote microphone is the savior of many instructors’ vocal chords. The constant high volume cue shouting injures our vocal chords and leaves us sounding like confirmed smokers.

Unfortunately, it attaches to our heads. Besides making us resemble like refugees from a Star Trek set, they create two related problems. First, I have a big head and the arms pinch my skull causing headaches. Second, the microphone part always nestles in my nostril, treating my participants to a loud nasal wheeze.

The Headless Remote Microphone eliminates this problem by allowing us telepathic cuing. If they can do it for Star Trek, they can do it for my class.

3) The Dribbling Water Bottle.

During one of last year’s Christmas party, a friend cornered me behind the buffet table to confide that she always has to pee before teaching her classes. “I always have to go . . . even if it’s just a little squirt,” she said while wolfing down a carrot stick.

I admitted that I experience the same phenomenon. “Worse,” I said. “No matter how much I wiggle and shake, I always get the last drop on the crotch of my shorts. It spreads by capillarity to make a delightful broad spot. If I’m wearing light-colored shorts, my participants can see it a mile away.”

“That must be embarrassing,” she said. “What do you do?”

“I hide it,” I said. “I make an entrance holding my freshly filled water bottle. Pretending to attach the lid, I let the bottle fall from my fingers and slop over the confluence of my anatomy.” “Sometimes,” I continued, “I accidentally drench a participant, and I always suffer through the class without water.”

The Squirting Water Bottle allows both direction and volume control. A careful squeeze permits a spectacular stream of water to camouflage that spot of errant piddle. It always leaves enough drinking water to finish that class.

4) The Automatic Condom Remover

This is the perfect gift for the amorous instructor concerned with safe sex. Its total weight is only eighty-five pounds. It is powered by a four-cycle gasoline engine guaranteed to start on the third pull. The engine drives a system of crank shafts and hydraulic lifters. These, in turn, operate a six-inch pair of surgical steel shears.

Finally we have a safe and foolproof way to get the thing out of the wrapper.

Mike Broderick , a one- time archaeologist, is a Vocational Rehabilitation Counsellor with the Fraser Health Authority in Port Coquitlam where he helps people with mental health disabilities find and keep full or part time employment .
He WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he found employment for people with physical disabilities, A Supported Employment Coordinator at THEO BC (now the Open Door Group), and a case manager at Community Fisheries Development Centre where he helped people move from the fishing industry to something else because there “aint no fish.” This means he is VERY familiar with how a modern day resume should look like.
He is an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist, is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to Alive Magazine. He is always saying, “If you can’t be fit, you can at least be funny.”
He lives in Port Coquitlam with his spouse Cecelia. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at 604-464-4105 If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates.

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8 Responses to “CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR FITNESS INSTRUCTORS”

  1. Sex Joke Says:

    Hello, I’ve stopped at your blog several times. I heard about it via my darling. I decided to post a comment. My spouse and I really like jokes; for that reason We thought about providing a good joke with you not to mention your followers. Love thy neighbor all through the day… but first make sure her husband’s away!

  2. Sharon Says:

    So funny, Mike. I suggest an easier, but perhaps more embarrassing, solution to the dribble problem. At any local grocery or pharmacy you can purchase a package of lightweight mini panti liners. Just tuck one into the appropriate area of your spandex gym shorts. You can demonstrate jumping jacks without a bit of embarassment. That is, of course, unless you forget to remove the adhesive protector strip and the liner slides down your leg and onto the floor.

    If all this is foreign to you, just ask Cecilia. She’ll explain it all – after she stops laughing.

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