MY CRIMINAL RECORD : “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER”


Many agencies and government offices who work with “vulnerable populations” such as children, youth and the elderly need to undergo periodic criminal record checks (CRCs) as a condition of employment. The agencies need to protect these populations with the assurance that employees have led a crime-free life. (Of course, it CRCs don’t protect anyone from those who are thinking about becoming criminals.

Imagine the shocked looks on the faces of my participants of my Circuit Training class at West Point Grey Community Centre this morning when I told them they were now considered by the City of Vancouver to be a “vulnerable Population.”

I told them that I had an email last night instructing me to get a CRC. I also told them that I had been teaching for over 20 years and I have never had a CRC done for them. I had them done before – several times for all the different positions I’ve held. I also know that it costs about eighty bucks. I wondered whether they would accept a copy of the last one I had done a year ago when I started at Fraser Health Authority.

“I wonder what they think I might do to you,” I said.

“You’re too old to begin a career in crime,” said Karen, a medical doctor who is more than strong enough to defend herself against any onslaught I could muster. “I don’t feel particularly vulnerable with you around.”

“Maybe it has something to do with “The Last Laugh” said Susanne.

She was referring to a Laughter Yoga article I wrote for Alive Magazine a while ago.  (http://www.alive.com/articles/view/23493/laughter_yoga) . Ever since then I have been ending each class with a joke during stretching and lead the class in a belly laugh accompanying the stretch. Usually the jokes are on a fitness related subject such as sexuality, obesity, or the difference between glutton and gluten.

“Don’t you like ‘The Last Laugh?’” I asked?

“We love the last laugh,:” she said. “Nobody else does it, They just play New Age music and think we’re leaving the class happy.”

“What about last week’s joke? Said Amy.  “I would have thought there would be a paddy wagon waiting for you in the parking lot. It was that funny.”

“I don’t remember it, “ I said.

“See,” said Karen. “You’re too old to start a criminal life.”

I sensed trouble ahead. “OK Amy, I know The Last Laugh has to be administered by a rtrained professional such as Yours Truly, but I’m going to let you  lead it today.

I led the class through a series of stretches, and at the end  I signalled Amy.

“Do these stretches slowly,” she said. “Very slowly. I do everything slowly … Well … except for one thing. HAHAHAHAHA!”

“Thanks Amy,” I said. I’m glad it wasn’t the other one.

“What was that?”

“What’s the difference between sex and candy?” I asked. “At age 64 I still like candy.”

I could hear the paddy wagon door slam in the parking lot.

Mike Broderick , a one- time archaeologist, is a Vocational Rehabilitation Counsellor with the Fraser Health Authority in Port Coquitlam where he helps people with mental health disabilities find and keep full or part time employment .

He WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he found employment for people with physical disabilities, A Supported Employment Coordinator at THEO BC (now the Open Door Group), and a case manager at Community Fisheries Development Centre where he helped people move from the fishing industry to something else because there, “Aint no fish.” This means he is VERY familiar with how a modern day resume should look.

He is an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist, is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to Alive Magazine. He is always saying, “If you can’t be fit, you can at least be funny.”

He lives in Port Coquitlam with his spouse Cecelia. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at 604-464-4105. If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “MY CRIMINAL RECORD : “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER””

  1. Sharon Says:

    So funny! Did you pass the crc? 🙂

    • mikebroderick Says:

      I assume I passed because I’m still working. However, they may not let me teach fitness. One would think that one would be able to remember a scrape with a judge and a resulting sentence. Things are different up here. There is no presumption of innocence. If a cop sees you for any reason, there is a box on the CRC form that I call the “Discrimination Box.” Cops up here are overachievers, and one day someone is going to challenge it in court.

  2. cathyturney Says:

    Well, Mike, at least they’re pretending that they don’t already have access to all your personal information! Great post!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: