GETTING A SHINER


I

The only way to save face when getting a black eye is to try to find a better way to explain it than what actually happened. This taxed my imagination on Wednesday when I found myself with a deep gash over my right eye and a rapid development of a blackish purplish hue spreading from my eyebrow to my cheek bone.

 

I could have said that I was attacked by a marauding street gang focusing on my cell phone that I had just used to photograph a sign announcing that a brand new store was opening up and they wanted resumes, but that would get the gang of construction workers who tried their best to apply First Aid to the unsightly mess into legal trouble.

 

Instead, I told the truth. I stumbled over a speed bump in the parking lot and did a one point landing on the pavement. I broke my glasses and knocked over a can of yellow paint they ere going to use to paint the speed bump. What I did was a classic face plant on the driveway and began to paint it myself with my own hemoglobin.

 

“Hey buddy, “ said one of the painters while dodging the tongue of yellow paint that was mixing with the fed of my blood creating a sickly orange. “Are you alright?”

 

“I don’t know yet,” I said while sorting out my bones, picking up the remnants of my glasses and checking to see if there was any damage to my cell phone. “How many points did I score?”

 

“Eight out of ten,” He said.

 

“Good,” I said. “I’d hate to think that I went through all of this for less than six out of ten.”

 

“You would have scored higher if you yelled, ‘Geronimo’ on the way down.”

 

“There wasn’t enough time.” I said.

 

“There never is” he said while fumbling through his First Aid kit for a butterfly bandage. The scream was a nice touch, though. It sounded like Goofy.”

 

“If it had to happen,” I said, “I’m glad I could do it where everybody could watch.”

 

“Thanks,” I said, thinking about getting back to my office to bleed over my next client.

 

I have had many black eyes over my lifetime – mostly because of biking. The last one prompted my MD to advise that I choose another form of transportation. I only had one opportunity to witness someone else getting a black eye. It was my old man on one of one our famous skiing calamities.

 

He was a tug boat captain, and ropes and knots were his hobby. Once, he showed me how to splice ropes. We were called upon to splice a rope tow that broke in the middle of our skiing escapade. I had a jackknife that was equipped with a marlin spike for the purpose. He tested it out himself. I suppose he was daydreaming about what would have happened if we had turned the rope tow into a Mobius loop as he got to the top of the hill. The rope caught him by the glasses and went, “Wakkawakkawakka,” as it vivisected his glasses and, “Thwak,” as the splice delivered the shiner.

 

One of the downsides of teaching fitness is that when you show up with a shiner, you have to explain it to the participants. They were kind. They didn’t have any this morning – except Robert the engineer.

 

“That puts me in mind of the Nativity” he said. Mary had just given birth, and the couple were trying to decide on a name.

 

They were, of course, in a barn. Joseph was pacing around, and he stepped on the upturned tines of a rake causing the handle to whack him in the eye.

 

“Jesus Christ,” he said.

 

“That’s a good one,” said Mary. “I was thinking of Wayne.”

 

Mike Broderick , a one- time archaeologist, is a Vocational Rehabilitation Counsellor with the Fraser Health Authority in Port Coquitlam where he helps people with mental health disabilities find and keep full or part time employment .

 

He WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he found employment for people with physical disabilities, A Supported Employment Coordinator at THEO BC (now the Open Door Group), and a case manager at Community Fisheries Development Centre where he helped people move from the fishing industry to something else because there, “Aint no fish.” This means he is VERY familiar with how a modern day resume should look.

 

He is an active ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist, is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to Alive Magazine. He is always saying, “If you can’t be fit, you can at least be funny.”

 

He lives in Port Coquitlam with his spouse Cecelia. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at 604-464-4105. If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates.

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “GETTING A SHINER”

  1. energywriter Says:

    Mike, So glad you are able to laugh about it. I’d suggest you stay home instead of wandering the streets, but you might fall in the dishwasher like I did. Healing energy going your way. sd

  2. mikebroderick Says:

    I would pay to see that. Write it up!

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