KEEL-HAULED BY MODERN-DAY PIRATES


It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to post on this site. In the month of November I had an article to write for Alive Magazine that will be out in March, a stack of resumes to compose, and a seminar to prepare on the use of Social Media to facilitate job search. It’s also been busy at work, and I have been fending off pirates.
The pirates showed up a few months ago. They came with dozens of winged breasts fluttering across bu computer screen like migrating monarch butterflies . I would have thought I was having a sexual fantasy if it weren’t for the fact that they began to play audio ads for Absorbine Junior for the treatment of foot fungus. It is difficult to connect the itchiness of athletes’ feet and fluttering breasts to come up with any meaningful fantasy.
The pirates dropped anchor near my C-Moss clock and dispatched dingys of techies to have their way with my hard drive and to see what they could extort from my bank account. I didn’t want to write about it, but I needed to warn everyone, and the took me for almost the cost of my computer so far and they’re after more.
The first attack came in the form of a youngish sounding polite man with a slight Asian accent named Jordan. He told me he was answering a bunch of automatic messages from my computer to his workstation. He told me that he was from Windows, and that there was something terribly wrong with my computer. “I suppose you’ve already noticed the breasts,” he said. “You have the dreaded Migrating Breast virus, and it will likely do real damage to your computer. You don’t want all your clients to see breasts all over your client’s documents, do you?”
Then he said he was going to fix it, and he got me to give him all my banking information And to let him have remote access to my computer. He also gave me a year’s worth of repairs for only $300. What a deal. It was like having my own private pirate for a year.
About 3 months later the pirates returned to my sandy shores. They approached me by telephone. They said ist was Window’s “Refundation” Department. They said that the problems I had with my computer were so serious that even Windows couldn’t fix it. As a sign of good faith, the “Refundation” department was going to repay me. Unlike Jordan, this pirate was considerably short tempered and he hung up on me.
Three weeks later he called again, then again in another three weeks. I’ll say one thing about those windows pirates, they’re patient.
Finally, Jordan called again. He didn’t get flustered and hang up. Then I learned the depth of the scam. He got may bank information, then claimed to overpay be by $400. Then he put a hold on my computer and he would keep holding it until I wired him that supposed overpayment to an address in India. Then he released my computer and made adjustments to it that would make it run better. He manipulated my computer running scans. The money was never returned, and I am now out $750.
The other day, a bIg green bar appeared on my screen. It said Windows needed my help. It appears every tree hours my computer is on. There were apparently updates that my computer couldn’t access. I did a google search on how to get updates and found a Window’s technician who was eager to do a scan for me. He did, then presented me with a bill for $350, and suggested I pay it or all manner of harm would come to my computer. I didn’t. The story was all too familiar. I turned off my computer.

 

Yesterday I got a call from none other than my old pal Jordan. He was responding to the scan he just did on my computer.

 

“I thought you were from the ‘Refundation’ Department,” I said. He hung up on me.
I feel I may have the upper hand..
Mike Broderick , a one- time archaeologist, is a Vocational Rehabilitation Counsellor with the Fraser Health Authority in Port Coquitlam where he helps people with mental health disabilities find and keep full or part time employment .
He WAS the Employment Specialist for the Neil Squire Society in Burnaby where he found employment for people with physical disabilities, A Supported Employment Coordinator at THEO BC (now the Open Door Group), and a case manager at Community Fisheries Development Centre where he helped people move from the fishing industry to something else because there, “Aint no fish.” This means he is VERY familiar with how a modern day resume should look.
He is a newly retired ambassador with the Vancouver Board of Trade and a former member of the Labour Task Force of the Burnaby Board of Trade He does some work as a field Archaeologist, is a fitness instructor and frequent contributor of fitness humour articles to Alive Magazine. He is always saying, “If you can’t be fit, you can at least be funny.”
He lives in Port Coquitlam with his spouse Cecelia. You can reach him at home at michael_broderick@telus.net or at 604-464-4105. If you’re looking for a career change, he is the Spin Doctor and can give you a resume makeover at competitive rates.

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One Response to “KEEL-HAULED BY MODERN-DAY PIRATES”

  1. energywriter Says:

    I hope this is a fiction story. Please tell me you didn’t actually experience all this. I delete all offers unless i know the source. Any problems I pack up my laptop and head to my local computer shop – not run by a chain store. It may cost $50-100 but a lot better than your experience.

    If this is fiction – it’s hilarious.

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